Marriage is the tradition of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and a sacred union in Islam [1]. Islamic culture tries very hard to safeguard the family and its stability. In the first place, it tells us that we should be very careful when we want to choose our mate. It also gives us a clue as to what characteristics and traits we should be looking for in a spouse [2]. 

Secondly, Islamic culture teaches us that an atmosphere of love, cooperation, and forgiveness should reign over every Muslim family, so much so as the Prophet of Islam said, “The best of you are the best-tempered ones with their family.” [3] Tolerance and compromise is the one vital element of any lasting relationship.

But, no matter what, it doesn’t always keep that way; there are cases in which both sides lose their sense of compromise. One may argue that divorce is not considered lawful according to many Christian views. Nevertheless, its practice by many Christians today shows its irresistibility!

God Hates Separation; Divorce in Islam, Hated, though Lawful!

In such cases, the only way to avoid a split is to refer to authority. There should be one person in every group who holds the authority over the group when a dangerous confusion and conflict shows up. But that one person had better keep silent, compromise, and go along with others’ decisions in other than those rare occasions!

In the first step, the husband is that authority in the family, maybe because he is the one who has to provide for the family. 

"… The wives have rights similar to the obligations upon them, in accordance with honorable norms; and men have a degree above them, and Allah is all-mighty and all-wise." (Quran, 2:228)

Of course, there is not a tiny difference between man and woman in Islam in the eyes of God; no matter what the gender, the more pious has a higher degree before Him. But as they form a group, an authority is irresistible. Just as we say that there is no difference whatsoever between the president of a country and a simple worker in the eyes of God. Still, the worker should submit to that authority to prevent confusion!

The very verse suggests that it’s not like, men have more rights in the family while women got more duties and responsibilities. No, a wife has as many rights as she has obligations. It also suggests that the husband must treat his wife honorably and respectfully. 

If things get worse and this approach doesn't work anymore, we should move on to the next step; that is, a higher authority!

"If you fear a split between the two of them, then appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives. If they desire reconcilement, Allah shall reconcile them. Indeed Allah is all-knowing, all-aware." (Quran, 4:35)

This is actually a very tender council since the two elders are closely related to the spouses and try their best to come up with the best possible solutions for them. The couple, too, are willing to conform to their decision. Going to a marriage guidance counselor is an updated version of or an alternative to this council!

Divorce in Islam Is the Last Step!

The council might conclude that a divorce is the only possible way for the couple to solve their problem. Sometimes, it’s simply impossible for the couple to go on!

Yes, Islam allows divorce and remarriage, but, as Prophet Muhammad (PBUH&HP) said:

“There is nothing loved by God more than a construction built in Islam by marriage, and there is nothing loathed by God more than a house which is destructed in Islam by separation.” [4]

It is also narrated that:

“A divorce shakes the throne [of God],” [5] and “God has not allowed for anything loathed by Him more than divorce!” [6]

If we think badly of divorce in Islam, it will become our last gasp. But if we do not have a negative outlook on it, separation would be the first thing that comes to the mind at the time of difficulty; “Why should I take all this when I can easily get rid of it?!”

But a mature and broad view suggests that the fruits of that relationship are worth bearing those unpleasant events. Separation is, therefore, inevitably lawful and at the same time very much abhorred in Islamic teachings:

"Consort with them [your wives] in an honorable manner; and should you dislike them, maybe you dislike something while Allah invests it with an abundant good." (Quran, 4:19)

Honor Your Wife!

Now, when it comes to separation and divorce in Islam, each side might think that “I got nothing to do with her or him anymore, and so, I can get my revenge on them!”

Of course, many Muslim scholars hold that every woman can state in her marriage contract that she, too, has the right to get a divorce, either generally or under certain circumstances. But, since Islam has basically put the husband in charge of divorce, the Quran commands men over and over that they should honor women, especially when it comes to divorce; if the union is not possible, you must at least have an honorable separation!

These commandments are even in some cases followed by divine threats for those who ignore them:

"When you divorce women and they complete their term [of waiting], then either retain them honorably or release them honorably,…" (Quran, 2:231)

"For the divorced women, there shall be a provision, in accordance with honorable norms—an obligation on the Godwary." (Quran, 2:241)

"If you desire to take a wife in place of another, and you have given one of them a quintal [of gold], do not take anything away from it. Would you take it by way of calumny and flagrant sin?!" (Quran, 4:20)

"… and should they be pregnant, maintain them until they deliver. Then, if they suckle [the baby] for you, give them their wages and consult together honorably." (Quran, 65:6)

And finally, God comforts both sides by saying that, if a divorce is the only way for them and going on with their marriage is much more harmful to both sides than profitable, they shouldn’t worry about its financial consequences:

"But if they separate, Allah will suffice each of them out of His bounty, and Allah is all-bounteous, all-wise." (Quran, 4:130)

The Chapter of “Divorce” in the Quran is also full of merciful verses, which are meant to soothe both parties which are hurt by the inevitable separation.

References:

1. Wasa’il al-Shi’a, vol. 20, p. 15, Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din, vol. 2, p. 22
2. Wasa’il al-Shi’a, vol. 20, p. 49, 50, Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din, vol. 2, p. 37,38
3. Wasa’il al-Shi’a, vol. 20, p. 171, Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din, vol. 2. p, 47
4. Wasa’il al-Shi’a, vol. 20, p. 16
5. Makarim al-Akhlaq, p. 197
6. Al-Kafi, vol. 11, p. 464, Sunan Abi Dawud, vol. 2, p. 254
    

Exclusive Rights of Mothers

Imam Sajjad (AS) enumerates the rights of parents in Islam, specifically the mother in ‘Treatise On Rights (Risalat al-Huquq)’, based on her efforts, such as how she withstood the difficulties during the pregnancy, the care and protection she provided after giving birth to the baby, the selfless sacrifices she made so that her child could grow up in the most comfortable condition and with the best education.

Then, Imam (AS) invites to show gratitude to the mother, but he adds in the end that one cannot reciprocate what she had done unless God helps him to succeed [12].

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH&HP) admits that one can never (repeats this two times) pay back the rights of the mother; even if he attempts as many times as the number of the raindrops and the desert sands of the world to pay her back for only one of the days that she had carried him in her womb during the pregnancy, he will not succeed [13].

The rights of the mother among parents in Islam are even known to be superior to those of the father [14] since it is said that: “If you are performing a recommended (mustahab) prayer (which is a kind of talking with God and being in His presence requires certain reverence) and your father calls you, do not break your prayer but if your mother calls, break the prayer”[15].

In this regard, it is narrated that a man, who claimed that had committed every possible sin, asked Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) if he could still repent or not. Prophet (PBUH&HP) questioned if either of his parents was alive. He answered, his father was. Then, Prophet (PBUH&HP) advised him to go and treat him well. A while after the man left, Prophet (PBUH&HP) said: “if his mother was alive [he would certainly have the opportunity to repent]” [4].

These, along with other Quranic verses and narrations (Hadiths) highlight the importance of parents in Islam and especially mothers’ rights; something that can never be returned unless with divine providence.

Exclusive Rights of Fathers

One of the rights of the father is to recognize him as the root that has given existence to his children. Whenever one is proud of him/herself for a blessing, he/she should remember that he/she has inherited it from his/her father. Hence, one should praise God and thank him for what He has granted him [12].

Imam Reza (AS) said: “offer your property, honor, and life to your father since you have received them from him. Do good to him and ask for the blessing and forgiveness for him after his death” [16]. It is good to know that the amount of the father’s right in his child’s property is as much as it is sufficient for daily meals, without any dissipation, and only in case of need [14].

The effects of satisfying parents in Islam on their children are:

Gaining God’s satisfaction: “whoever his parents are satisfied with, I am satisfied with him/her” [17].
Long-lasting life: “Whoever honors his parents, will live a long life” [20].
Receiving good deeds from their own children: “honor your parents, so your children will honor you” [19].
Easy death: “Whoever honors the parents, God will ease his death” [21].
Being rewarded the highest levels in Heaven: “one, who gives Infaq to his parents, tolerates them, is beneficent to them and does not upset nor harm them, will be placed in the best levels of Heaven” [18].

What does Mistreating Parents in Islam Lead to?

According to Islamic teachings, not only mistreating parents in Islam is insolence to them, but also includes ignoring their rights, disobeying them in what is permissible and disrespecting them [22]. It is known from Islamic teachings that:

Even if one’s parents have done something unfair to him, he is not allowed to look at them with a sharp, angry gaze. Otherwise, even a single prayer (Salat) of him will not be accepted [24].
Insolence to parents is one of the major sins and is Haram [23].
Prophet (PBUH) has warned about the consequences of  Insolence to the parents by saying that the sweet smell of heaven will be sensed from a thousand years of distance but does not reach those who have been insolent to their parents [25].

It is essential to know that one may gain the satisfaction of the parents when they are alive, but will be readily insolent to them after their death by ignoring their rights like not paying their debts, not praying for them, etc.; and the other way around [16].

Notes:
[i] (2 :83), (17:23), (4:36), (6:151), (31:13-14).

[ii] Doing prayer (Salat) and fasting (Swam) in place of parents, especially after their death, is highly advised in Islamic teachings. This is due to the importance of having respect for parents and these two Islamic practices. This also helps to maintain the emotional links between children and parents, even after their death.

[iii] Praying for parents and asking mercy on them is a duty on children that is emphasized in the Quran and Islamic narrations. If parents have committed some sins or have sometimes been disobedient, praying for them might be beneficial to them.

References:

1. M. B. Majlesi, “Bihar al-Anwar,” vol. 74, p. 85.
2. M. H. Tusi, "Tahdhib al-Ahkam," vol. 6, p. 350.
3. A. Q. Payande, “Nahj Al-Fasahah,” T. 2963.
4. parents in Islam
5. M. B. Majlesi, "Mir’at al-oqul fi sharh ikhbar al-rasoul (PBUH)", vol. 8, p. 390
6. M. Muhammadi Rayshahri, “The scale of wisdom: a compendium of Shi'a Hadith”, T. 6762.
7. M. Muhammadi Rayshahri, “The scale of wisdom: a compendium of Shi'a Hadith”, T. 6761
8. “Mutual rights of parents and children”, vol. 36, p. 86.
9. Ibn Babawayh, “Al-Khisal”, p. 298.
10. H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wassail”, vol. 15, p. 198.
11. M. B. Majlesi, “Bihar al-Anwar”, vol. 86, p. 359.
12. Imam Zayn al-'Abidin (AS), “Treatise On Rights (Risalat al-Huquq)”.
13. H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wassail”, vol. 15, p. 203.
14. A. Javadi Amoli, “Mafatih al-hayat”, p. 224.H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wassail”, vol. 15, p. 181.
15. H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wassail”, vol. 15, p. 181.
16. Ibn Babawayh,,”Fiqh al-Ridha (AS)”, p. 334.
17. H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wasail”, vol. 15, p. 176.
18. [18]. Sheikh al-Mufid, “Al-Amali”, p.167.
19. F. H. Tabarsi, “Mishkat ul-Anwar Fi Ghurar il-Akhbar”, p. 280.
20. F. H. Tabarsi, “Mishkat ul-Anwar Fi Ghurar il-Akhbar”, p. 282.
21. F. H. Tabarsi, “Mishkat ul-Anwar Fi Ghurar il-Akhbar”, p. 281.
22. J. M. Khonsari, “A discription on Ghurar Al-Hikam Wa Durar Al-Kalim", vol. 1, p.548.
23. A. Javadi Amoli, http://maarefquran.org/.
24. H. T. Nuri Ṭabarsi, “Mustadrak al-Wasail”, vol. 15, p. 204.
25. N. Makarim Shirazi, “Tafsir Nemouneh”, vol. 12, p.80.